Lather, Rinse, Repeat
by Si and Si Co
Summary: The stories of the Hero, Princess, and the Evil King are all but forgotten legends but now, in an age where Hyrule is a republic and Epona is a brand of car, underachiever Link Kokiri and his friends are thrust into a quest to save the world.


**A/N:** Since there are two of us, Si1 is Mystical Si, and Si2 is Personatus, thank you.

**Si2:** 'Allo 'allo 'allo, and welcome to Lather, Rinse, Repeat!

**Si1:** Our story of the Legend of Zelda set in a modern world! I had lots of fun with this chapter, didn't you Si2?

**Si2:** Indeed I did. And boy, do we sound like a talk show right now!

**Si1:** It cannot be helped! Besides, it's fun! Anyway, there is going to be minor Zelda and Link romance here, so if you can't deal with not flaming, please leave now. **Bow** Arigato gozaimasu.

**Si2:** anyhow, if we get any flamers, we can just sic Ganon on them, ne? Anywho, please enjoy!

**Si1:** On to the quote!

---

_Telling the future by looking at the past assumes that conditions remain constant. This is like driving a car by looking in the rearview mirror._

—_Herb Brody_

**Brrring!**

The bell signaling the end of school rang, echoing through the empty halls and blaring in the classrooms filled with teenagers who were more than ready to leave. A tinny voice began to read out the names of those who were being summoned to the office, though it was hard to say if the people being called to the office heard their names at all over the sound of desks being dragged across the floor and the unending chatter of the student body. It was Friday, to the relief of many students and the dismay of a rare few.

Link Kokiri was not among those rare few who desired more class time. If anything, he wanted the opposite. Currently, he was sitting in his desk, frowning at his progress report as if staring at it could change the grade. On his progress report, the small black 70 was circled in a bright red. He had passed, but barely... he was never going to hear the end of it from Aryll.

Malon Romani, one of Link's best friends and the only one who shared eighth period history with him, hummed as she shouldered her backpack and started for the door. She quieted as she neared Link, stepping over to glance over Link's shoulder. She blinked. "Aryll won't be happy with you," she said matter-of-factly, giving voice to the thought that had entered Link's mind mere moments before.

At those words, any chance that Link had at keeping calm fell away. His head met his desk with a _thunk!_ and he began banging his head on the hard surface repeatedly. "I'm doomed! I can't believe my little sister cares so much about my grades!"

"Don't do that," Malon said, watching Link's head collide with the desktop once more. "It kills five brain cells per knock." Illustrating her point, she rapped her knuckles on her own skull.

Link instantly stopped, his forehead barely an inch away from the desk. He turned, staring up at his friend questioningly. "Really?"

Malon nodded solemnly.

Link sat up straight, sighing deeply and folding his arms across his chest. "Can I hang out at your dad's lot for awhile?" He asked. "Maybe if I'm lucky Aryll will be too tired to ask to see my grades."

Malon tilted her head to the side, rolling her eyes towards the ceiling as she thought. "Hmm... I suppose, I don't think dad will mind."

From the front of the class, Mr. Kari, their teacher, arched his eyebrows at them. He'd been watching them for a little while, but by now everyone else had cleared out of the classroom. "Everyone's left, you know."

"Sorry, Mr. Kari, we're dealing with a minor emergency," Link said.

Malon glanced at Mr. Kari. "Sister troubles," she said, her voice low and solemn though her lips twitched slightly in a half smile.

Mr. Kari blinked again, frowning slightly in confusion. "...All right," he said, shaking his head and going back to organizing the papers he would need to grade over the weekend.

Link leaned over, grabbing his backpack and unzipping it so he could stuff all the things on his desk into the pack. After a short moment, he packed up everything he needed, zipping the backpack and standing up. "Okay, let's go."

Malon smiled. "Okay!"

They exited the classroom, joining the flow of students as they moved steadily towards the school's exit. Before they left, however, someone shouted their names. They both paused, turning around; there, running through the crowd, was a short girl with bright green hair and a huge smile on her face. Saria.

"Hey, Link, Malon," Saria said, coming to a halt in front of them. Glancing at link, she tilted her head to the side, noting his expression. "Did you fail, Link?"

"He passed," Malon said, "but only by a little." She raised her fingers to pinch them together so there was only a little space between them.

"At least that's something," Saria noted. She grinned, clapping a hand to Link's shoulder. "Cheer up, Aryll isn't that bad."

"Yes she is. She's just nice to you," Link muttered, shuffling his feet.

Suddenly another in their group of friends, Kafei, rounded the corner at a breakneck pace. He shot by the group, a pen falling from his book bag and clattering to the floor. Either he didn't notice the pen or he didn't care, because he didn't even pause, shouting "Can't talk, got to run," over his shoulder as he passed Link, Malon and Saria. He was past them and out the doors before anyone could say another word.

His girlfriend Anju followed in his path, but she walked, her books held close to her chest. She stopped by the group, smiling at everyone and waving. Originally, Anju hadn't been in their circle of friends - but then, Kafei had started to date her, and for a very long time they'd been joined at the hip. Though she was quiet, the group had quickly realized how nice she was, and now she was a welcome part of the group.

"What's with him?" Saria asked, arching her eyebrows as Kafei ran through the parking lot to his car.

"He has to change and be at work in a half hour," Anju explained.

Saria shook her head, smiling a little as she leaned down and plucked up the pen Kafei had dropped. She handed it to Anju, saying "Tell him good luck for me. Making sandwiches takes a lot of patience." It was impossible to tell if she was being sarcastic or not - Kafei worked at a Subway only a few minutes away.

Anju took the pen and sighed, looking rather mournful. If it had been a sarcastic comment, she didn't realize it. "Oh, I know! Just the other day there was a family who filed a complaint against him - something about charging them twice the price..." Malon glanced at Saria and Link, arching her eyebrow ever so slightly.

"At least he doesn't work for Impa." Link shuddered, his eyes glazing over as he remembered all of the things he'd seen and endured while working at the Red Eye Diner. "An hour of working for her, and he can handle anything."

"Is she really that bad?" Anju asked, her eyes going wide.

"She's not," Saria said with a grin, "But she's quite strict, and her presence is kinda overwhelming... in short, Link's terrified of her, just like he's terrified of Aryll."

"I am NOT terrified of Impa!" Link protested, flushing.

Saria laughed, "You're afraid of admitting you're scared of Impa, but not your sweet little _middle schooler _sister?"

"She's already in middle school?" Anju asked, her expression confused. "Isn't she a little young?"

"Aryll skipped a grade," Malon said. Suddenly, a quiet beeping filled the air, and Malon blinked, glancing at her wristwatch. "I'm supposed to help clean the office in fifteen minutes," she said, reaching down and clicking a button on the side. The beeping stopped.

With that reminder, Link remembered his plan to hide out at the Lon Lon car lot until work. "Ah, sorry, guys," Link said, nodding at Saria and Anju. "Since it's progress report day, I'm hiding until work starts."

Saria snickered. "No problem. See you Monday."

"Oh... good luck?" Anju said; she had never quite understood full implications of progress report day.

Malon smiled at Saria and Anju. "See you on Monday, guys," she said.

From down the hall, a voice shouted a single word; "Saria!" Everyone turned, and there, standing at the end of the hall was Fado - another of their friends, he was Saria's fraternal twin brother - waving a hand insistently in the air. "Come on! We're gonna be late!"

"Right!" Saria called, waving one arm in the air. Turning, she started towards her brother, pausing only to shout "Bye guys!" over her shoulder.

Anju waved after Saria, waiting until after Saria and Fado had turned the corner before putting her arm down and sighing. "I suppose I should go, I need to retake a geometry test...I'll see you later, then!" With that she turned, jogging down the hall.

"Bye," Link said, waving as Anju jogged away. "Let's go, Malon!"

"Okay," Malon said, waving at Anju's back before turning and starting down the hall.

It was only a ten minute walk between the school and Lon Lon Cars, the very same dealership where Link had gotten his epona v5 motorcycle. The lot was fairly big, and framed with chain link fences all the way around. The office and the garage was one big building in the corner of the lot, and the noise of drills whirring and a radio playing blasted out from the garage's open doors. Despite being surrounded on almost all sides by chain link fences, the place still managed to look festive; every post in the chain link fence had a banner hanging from it, alternating orange and red, and standing atop the office building was one of those inflatable arm-flailing tube men. All in all, it looked just like your stereotypical friendly car dealership.

They walked in through the main entrance, Malon humming along to the song that was on in the garage. Her father, Talon, was standing only a little ways away, looking over the lot and watching for anybody who looked particularly interested in a car. As he caught side of Link, Talon grinned and said, "Progress report day?"

Link nodded solemnly as Malon opened her backpack and fished around for a moment before finding her progress report. Malon held it out as if it were the paper to her salvation, handing it to her father.

"Link passed this time, though," Malon said.

"Well, that's something." Talon nodded, taking Malon's progress report. He glanced down at it, then looked up, beaming. "Oh, well done, Malon."

Malon beamed back at the praise. Suddenly, her smile turned somewhat sly, and she tilted her head to the side. "Daddy, can I have a car? Since my grades were so good?"

"Well..." Talon blinked, caught off guard. After a moment of thought, he stuttered, "I... Well... You did pass the test... and... your birthday is coming up... so... I don't see why not..."

Paying almost no attention to the exchange, Link snatched Malon's progress report. "A 97?! That's _NOT_ fair!"

Malon ignored Link's outcry, hopping on one foot and clasping her hands together. "Oh thank you daddy!" She flung her arms around him, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Talon finally smiled, unable to resist his daughter's good mood. "Alright, alright. I know you're happy and all, but I do pay you for your job, which starts in about, oh, thirty seconds..."

Link stood there, muttering angrily at Malon's progress report, as if it was the source of all his troubles. He almost started to bang his head on something, but he remembered what Malon said and decided losing more brain cells wouldn't help. Not to mention the only things near enough to whack his head on were shiny new cars; Link was pretty sure Talon wouldn't appreciate forehead grease on one of the cars he was trying to sell.

"Okay, I'll go vacuum inside then!" Without warning, Malon grabbed Link's wrist and started to the office on the edge of the car lot. As she dragged Link along, Malon grinned over her shoulder. "It's all right; my grades aren't usually that good. Usually they're only in the low nineties." It was obvious from her tone that she was teasing him, but for the moment that didn't matter.

Link pouted, though he would never admit that he was doing something as unmanly as 'pouting'. "Stop making fun of me. I bet you got good grades today just to spite me."

"I'm sorry," Malon said, letting go of his wrist and spinning around to face him. "You're just too easy to tease on progress report day. And no, I got good grades to convince Daddy to give me a car." She grinned.

"Which makes it worse!" Link said, covering his face with his hands. "You get a car, _and_ good grades, and I get an advanced A+ sister."

"But you have a motorcycle," Malon pointed out. "While we're talking about vehicles."

"But I had to save up for that," Link protested. A moment later, a small, appreciative smile flickered across his face. "Then again... I guess I did get a good discount..."

Malon grinned; she'd had to beg her father all day to give Link such a substantial discount. Before she could say anything else in return, her watch started to beep again. Eyes going wide, Malon glanced at her wrist. "Oh no, I'm supposed to be vacuuming..."

"Then vacuum!" Link waved his arms wildly, indicating the office. "Vacuum like your life depends on it!"

Malon looked at Link, working hard to keep her face solemn. "But Link, something much more important rests on my vacuuming - my pay." After that, she could no longer keep a straight face; she grinned and she turned, dashing to the office to vacuum like her pay depended on it (...which it did).

Link laughed as Malon dashed into the office, watching for a moment as she went into the back. As soon as she disappeared, Link turned around to lean on the office wall, looking around at the people wandering through the rows of cars. There weren't many on the lot at all, but it was so late in the day that Link wasn't surprised by the lack of people. A man walked through the rows of cars with a little girl holding his hand, studying a car before moving down the row. A woman stood, considering a green sedan whilst a balding man talked to Talon, and a few cars away a skinny man with dark hair stood, watching. After a couple moments, however, the man with black hair moved away, ducking behind an SUV. He stayed in the shadow of the vehicle for a while before standing up, brushing off his pants before scampering away, off the lot.

Link blinked, frowning a little; the man's behavior seemed suspicious, but who knew? Maybe he'd been a potential buyer checking out the undercarriage of the car. Shrugging mentally, Link glanced through the large picture windows that led to the office. Malon was halfway done vacuuming the office, dancing a bit as she pushed the vacuum back and forth. Link could just see ear buds in her ears, which explained the dancing.

Link turned around to face the lot once more only to see a pair of huge blue eyes disconcertingly close. "Wagh!" Link yelped, trying to take a step back only for his feet to meet the stairs and his rear end to meet the pavement. Grinning impishly down at him was a girl. Her very, very long light blond hair was held back in a ponytail, and she was wearing torn jeans and a blue T-shirt with a scarily happy dancing cactus on it.

"Progress report day, huh?" The girl couldn't stop grinning.

"T-Tetra!" Link gasped. "Don't _do_ that!"

"Do what?" She asked, tilting her head, her expression going blank in mock-innocence.

"Sneak up on me!"

"I shall do so again, then." She couldn't hold the innocent look long after that, grinning once more and offering Link a hand.

"I mean don't sneak up on me! Not... forget it, you're gonna twist what I say around again anyway..." Link sighed, taking her hand.

"Yep!" She chirped, pulling Link up.

Link simply sighed again, brushing off his pants. If Aryll saw him like this when he got home from work, dirty _and_ with such a low grade, she'd have a fit. The thought made him more than a little depressed. "This day sucks..."

"Aww, you wound me," Tetra pouted. "And here I was going to walk you to work."

"No! I mean, progress report day. Bad stuff always happens on progress report day." Link shook his head with a sigh. "Like... brain cell death."

Tetra raised one blonde eyebrow, "Brain cell death?"

Link opened his mouth to explain, but he only got halfway through the first syllable. Suddenly from behind them there was the screech of tires and then the sound of metal crunching against metal. It happened so fast that neither had time to react, but as they were turning to see what caused the screeching noise, a red-haired blur shot past them. Apparently Malon had been more attentive than both of them. From the other side of the lot, Link could see Talon jump, whirling around to look for the source of the noise; once the old man saw it, he started to run across the car lot. Finally, Link's eyes landed on the source of the noise; The SUV that had been sitting at the edge of the lot earlier was crumpled against the side of what had once been a sleek new epona-brand car, but was now just a heap of metal. The man on the driver's side had kicked open the door and had nearly slid to the ground, his leg bleeding profusely, and the woman sitting in the passenger side of the car was sitting, stunned as the airbag slowly deflated. Malon was sprinting towards the crash, immediately moving to the man's side and asking if he was all right.

"Let's go," Link said to Tetra, following Malon's lead and sprinting towards the crash site. Without a word Tetra turned, dashing into the office and grabbing the first aid kit from the closest bathroom before following Link.

Once they reached the crash site, they could hear the man wave Malon away. "I'll be fine - I'll be fine!" The man's voice was rough, and it was obvious from his stance that he was in huge amounts of pain.

"Are you sur-" Malon started.

"I'm _FINE_," the man snarled. Favoring his bleeding leg, he clung to the open door, trying to stand on his own two legs. He glanced inside the car, across to the passenger side. "Katt, are you all right?" The woman made no response. Her head was hanging now, and she was obviously unconscious - which couldn't have been good. She had been awake only moments earlier.

Talon glanced at Malon, "Call an ambulance." Malon didn't even nod, turning and running for the office without another word.

Link stared at the car. "What happened?" It was the first thought that came to mind

Talon frowned, confusion and worry showing on his face. "I don't know! The car should've worked, I didn't touch anything that could've done something like this; just the air conditioning."

The wounded man was starting to make his way over to the passenger side of the car. "Need some help?" Link asked, offering an arm. The man nodded, grabbing Link's arm tightly.

"Thank you," the man said grimly, his face pale as he started to hobble his way around the SUV. Their movement was slow; Link had to wait for the man to hop along, each step looking like it hurt more than the last. Link started to wonder exactly what had happened to the car - usually things didn't just crash, he was smart enough to know that. Suddenly, an image of the man who'd been wandering the lot earlier popped into his head, the man who'd knelt down behind the SUV. He couldn't have, could he...? Link scowled a little, wondering who would do something like that, intentionally sabotaging a car...

The wounded man grimaced, opening the passenger door and clinging to it with both hands like his life depended on it. He glanced at Link, nodding, and Link nodded back. The man turned to his wife, murmuring "Katt, Katt, wake up..."

Link winced a little, moving back to stand with Talon and Tetra. After a short moment of silence, Link looked at Talon, his expression serious. "I saw a man wandering around the car park earlier."

"People wander around a lot, Link," Talon said, his hands knit together as he craned his head to see if Malon was calling an ambulance.

"No, I mean... suspicious wandering," Link said, frowning a bit at Talon's distractedness. "He had dark hair and a weird mustache... does that sound like anyone you know?"

"That sounds like Ingo," Talon said. He turned, frowning at Link. "But Ingo is a hardworking fellow, there's no way he would do anything like this!"

Link opened his mouth to reply, to ask if Talon was sure about that, but before he could Malon returned, her face solemn. "The ambulance is on its way."

"Malon, Link thinks that Ingo might've-" Talon started.

"It doesn't matter right now," Malon interrupted, her voice firm. "We can talk about what happened when these people are taken care of!" She glared at both Talon and Link.

Talon nodded. "Y-you're right, Malon."

Link flushed, lowering his gaze. "Yeah..."

Tetra and Malon glanced at each other, and in a moment something was decided without words. Both the girls moved over to the wounded man, leaving Link and Talon to think over their priorities as they tried to convince the wounded man to wait for the ambulance. A couple minutes later, the sound of an ambulance's siren and the flash of red and blue lights alerted everyone to the arrival of the paramedics, followed swiftly by the arrival of the police. As witnesses, Link, Tetra, Malon and Talon all had to stay and give statements; by the time they were done, Link was surely going to be late for work. Part of him didn't even want to go, considering that in his mind never seeing Impa again may be better than showing up late. It took some work, but finally, Tetra managed to convince Link that it would indeed be better to face Impa than to lose his job, and they set off for the Red Eye Diner.


End file.
